Melba's blog got me to thinking...just bear with me while I spill my guts here.
Ever since I got pregnant with Allison I feel like I have been lost and not having any idea about what I'm supposed to be doing. My mom has never been pregnant, given birth, had a newborn who never sleeps and only cries to deal with...when she got me I was 6 weeks old and sleeping through the night. Well, maybe for a while there after Allison got a little older, and before Ethan was born, I was doing ok. But then Ethan was born...and since day one he has been a special needs baby/child. I have always worked with children so between that and majoring in Psychology and Family and Child Development in college, I knew what was "normal" and what was 'a little too much' and what was 'over the top and definitely into abnormal'. Ethan is in the latter group. I have always known that. NO ONE wanted to believe that. EVERYONE just wanted to believe that I was a crazy mother...and I was...dealing with his needs, wants, mood swings, screaming tantrums, super sensitivity to sounds and touches, extra super hyperactivity so high that he is almost off the charts...was driving me to insanity. But everyone just told me, "Just wait until he's 2", then it was "Just wait until he's 4"...or "If you would carry him around in a baby sling he wouldn't cry" or, "If you would just try this" or "If you would just try that"...everyone had a solution. Didn't they think I had tried EVERYTHING??? No one would admit that there was something different about him, but nobody wanted to babysit him to give me a break either, because he was "too much trouble". Anyway, he has since been diagnosed with ADHD, General Anxiety Disorder (nos) and Bipolar Disorder. Then of course there are the struggles with the schools. However, I have to give his new school huge kudos, because they do recognize and admit that he doesn't learn like others. They just finished all of their testing with him and, although they can't formally diagnose him with dyslexia right now, for a couple of reasons, there is definitely a learning disability there that is bring his IQ down from the 120's to 105. Which is still good...but...he just can't read or write so, the knowledge that is in his brain cannot be expressed. Which makes him frustrated and me very sad. But at least we know this and I have pushed limits with doctors and teachers for years to get him help and we got started much earlier than the average kid with problems. But...I still feel like I don't know what to do with life...
With Ethan, it's like every day is a new day, and you never know what to expect from him. Will it be a good day or a bad day? He never reacts to stimuli the same way twice. You never know what is going to happen 5 seconds from now, so I can't plan or count on anything. This is where the going insane part comes in!
Does anybody else out there deal with this? Or have you in the past?
And art...Mixed Media, to be specific. Is everyone self-taught? Because there is NOTHING out there...classes, workshops, whatever...for me to take. Of course, that's just in the San Antonio area. I know there are people who do workshops, but not in Texas, apparently. Not that I'm going into this blind...I have always done "different" artwork. Well, it wasn't even considered artwork...it was just "something Lauri did". But, there are so many things out there that I don't know about or know how to use...UTEE, PMC, polymer clay, all those glazes, glosses and dyes! All of those beautiful things that put a particular piece of art a notch or two or three above! How does everyone else learn?
See...Ethan just came in and hugged me, gave me a kiss and told me that he loves me. 15 minutes ago I was living in a different universe! Thank God for Clonazipam, Wellbutrin and Effexor! (And that's just for me...Ethan has his own shelf in the medicine cabinet!)
Anyway...anyone up for this job??? lol!